Why It’s So Hard for Some People to Admit They’re Wrong: The Role of Shame in Accountability
Ever wonder why it’s so difficult for some people to say, “I was wrong,” or offer a sincere apology?
Often, it’s not about arrogance or indifference—it’s about deep, unresolved shame.
The Psychology Behind Avoiding Accountability
People who struggle to take accountability usually aren’t trying to hurt others. More often, they’re reacting to a painful internal narrative rooted in shame—shame about who they are and what it means to make a mistake.
This shame is shaped by early life messages and societal conditioning, such as:
“It’s wrong to do blank.”
“You shouldn’t be doing blank.”
“You’re crazy if you do blank.”
Over time, these messages get internalized and morph into core beliefs like:
I’m bad.
I’m not enough.
I’m broken.
So when someone is faced with the need to admit they were wrong, it doesn’t feel like they’re acknowledging a behavior—it feels like they’re admitting that they are a bad person.
Why Some People Don’t Apologize
From the outside, it might seem like someone is invalidating your experience or being avoidant. But internally, they may be thinking:
“If I say sorry, I’m admitting I’m not a good person.”
“If I take responsibility, I’m exposing something unfixable about myself.”
It’s not always about avoiding consequences. It’s often about protecting a fragile and deeply wounded sense of self.
This doesn’t excuse harmful behavior—but it can offer context. Acknowledging this psychological dynamic can help you see their reaction for what it is: a defense mechanism rooted in fear and shame.
How Understanding Shame Can Help You Heal
Let’s be honest—understanding this doesn’t erase the pain you’ve experienced from someone’s lack of accountability.
But it can help you stop internalizing their inability to show up.
When someone refuses to validate your feelings or apologize, you may begin to believe, I don’t matter, or I’m too much.
But when you see the deeper layers behind their avoidance, you can begin to separate their unresolved issues from your inherent worth.
You realize:
Their silence or deflection isn’t about me—it’s about them.
What This Perspective Offers You
Gaining this insight isn’t about excusing harm. It’s about reclaiming clarity and self-compassion.
You might find it easier to move forward.
You may begin to take others’ behavior less personally.
You might feel more space inside—mentally, emotionally, spiritually.
Because your worth was never up for debate.
A Question to Reflect On:
What beliefs about yourself have you been carrying because someone else couldn’t take responsibility for their actions?
Are those beliefs truly yours—or are they someone else’s shame that you’ve unknowingly absorbed?
Ready to Explore This More Deeply?
If this stirred something in you, that’s not by accident. Sometimes awareness is the first doorway to healing.
If you're ready to unpack these patterns and reconnect with your self-worth, I’m here to support you. Schedule your complimentary consultation today.
You deserve to be heard. You deserve to heal.
Warmly,
Dr. Vartanyan
