Perfectionism: It’s Not What You Think it Is

Perfectionism is often believed to be a good thing, thought of just wanting to strive for the best. But it’s much more than that. It’s not as simple as wanting to be the best. It’s believing that being the best is the only option, or else you’re a failure. The tricky part of being a true perfectionist is that deep down, you believe that you really are a failure. And that’s why you constantly try to be perfect, because you fear you’ll be “found out.”

What to Know About Perfectionism

At the root of perfectionism is a fear of rejection. As a society, we reward those at the top—who’ve succeeded and accomplished a lot in their lifetime. Therefore, we come to believe that we can only get acceptance and admiration when we’re at top; otherwise, we’d be rejected. Further, when you’ve had an upbringing where you’ve felt you weren’t good enough or didn’t experience unconditional positive regard or love, you’re more prone to falling into the perfectionist trap: That is, if you’re perfect, then you’ll be accepted. But that’s simply not true, and I’ll tell you why.

Perfectionism is really a trauma response. It’s a coping strategy we’ve developed to protect ourselves from experiencing any shame, ridicule, rejection, criticism, etc. Through life experiences, you may have come to believe that your worth is dependent on achievements and accomplishments. But the reality is that you don’t need to be perfect or do things perfectly because who you are is enough. It might not feel that way now, but with some resources such as workbooks, self-help books, and therapy, you can come to learn that you don’t have to do everything (and do it perfectly) to be loved and accepted.

Tips to Get You Started on Breaking Free from Perfectionism

-       Remind yourself that you are only human and can’t do everything, let alone perfectly.

-       Use positive self-affirmation such as “I am enough,” “I don’t have to be perfect to be loved,” and “It’s ok to make mistakes.”

-       Be mindful of the standards and expectations you place on yourself and others. Ask yourself, “How realistic is this?”

-       Focus more on the positives. Perfectionists tend to zone in on errors and mistakes and judge themselves and/or others harshly. Instead, make a conscious effort to pay attention to what went well.

-       Enjoy the process of achieving goals instead of focusing solely on the end result.

Cheers,

Dr. Jessica