What is Codependency?
Codependency is the term used to define the type of relationship wherein which each partner is dependent on the other for personal and emotional gains. In other words, one’s happiness and self-worth is dependent on the other. This often shows up in relationships where there is some form of abuse (emotional, verbal, physical, etc). But codependency can exist in relationships without any formal abuse as well.
What does codependency look like?
One partner tends to have limited boundaries and is very “giving” to the other. The other partner tends to be on the “receiving” end of the “giving.” The partner that is more “giving” tends to carry the belief is that it’s their responsibility to keep the other happy and healthy. That by keeping the partner happy, that would make them happy too. One’s self worth also tends to be tied to their partner’s mood, which as you can imagine, is a slippery slope. This may be risky as other people’s actions and feelings are outside of our control, yet it feels like it’s our responsibility to keep them happy at all times. This may then lead one to feel burnt out and chronically anxious trying to keep the other happy.
What causes codependent relationships?
It’s deeply ingrained in someone that it is their responsibility to keep their loved one/partner happy; and if their not happy, then there is a lot of self-blame. Perfectionists, who tend to have people-pleasing tendencies stemming as early as childhood, often find themselves in codependent relationships.
Can this change?
Yes, of course. Through therapy, you can learn where these patterns developed from and how to change them. Often early life experiences live an imprint on us, telling us what to do to survive, and we get stuck in those patterns even if they don’t serve us any longer. Just as you learned those patterns, you can learn new healthier ones instead. You don’t have to be stuck in people-pleasing patterns any longer.
I hope this post sheds some light on the topic of codependency and gives you a sense of hope that change is possible and you are not alone in your experiences.
Cheers,
Dr. Jessica
