Perfectionists and the Desire for Control
As you can imagine, perfectionists like to be in control to make sure that everything (and I mean everything) goes well and according to plan. But if you stop to think about it, how realistic of an expectation is this to have? That is, how realistic is it to expect that everything should go perfectly? Not really, is it? I know that at a gut level it seems pretty obvious, but that doesn’t stop a perfectionist from wanting to have control over everything including the outcomes to events. Part of this is a need to reduce anxiety over situations outside of our control. We know that a lot of life is outside of our control, and that could be a scary thought to a perfectionist. By trying to figure out how everything is going to go and do things the “right” way, perfectionists think it’ll help limit life’s disappointments and surprises that it throws at us. But we know that that’s not how life works. Inevitably, we will face obstacles and disappointments. Thus, it is only a “perceived” sense of control that perfectionists have at the end of the day.
Of course, to some degree, it is beneficial to think things through before taking action, but at some point we need to be able to take action, and that can be something really difficult for perfectionists to do. Perfectionists often fear making mistakes and failure, therefore, making it challenging to take risks. But it doesn’t have to continue being this way. You can learn to balance your approach to life, find healthier perspectives as to not overwhelm yourself. If you continue going down the path of needing to control everything, perhaps unsurprisingly, that road is often filled with anxiety, burnout, depressed mood, chronic fatigue, etc.
So what can be done about it? First step is acknowledging this need for control. Then, we can use resources like acceptance of things that are outside of our control and positive self-affirmations to get through the day. Examples of self-affirmations include (from Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Edmund Bourne, PhD):
- “I’m learning to take life as it comes”
- “It’s ok to let go and trust that things will work out”
- “I’m learning not to take myself or life so seriously”
- “I’m learning that I don’t have to be perfect to be loved.”
Often, relaxation exercises such as meditations can be helpful as well in managing anxiety related to perfectionism. If you need further support in letting go the need for perfectionism, resources such as workbooks, online courses, and therapy can be a next step.
Remember: You don’t have to live perfectly in an imperfect world anymore.
If this post resonates with you and you are interested in exploring perfectionism and/or to see if we’re a good fit to work together, please reach out via my contact form on my website. I’m also always happy to provide referrals in the community.
Warmly,
Dr. Jessica
