Perfectionism and Shame
In order to better understand the interconnection between shame and perfectionism, we need a better understanding of what shame is. Shame is the feeling you get when you believe you did something wrong or “bad.” It’s different than feeling guilty. When you feel guilty about something, it’s related to a specific incident and you can bounce back from it more easily (usually after remedying the situation in some way). When you experience shame, however, it is more long-lasting and is more associated with your existence vs. what you did wrong. For example, shame is “I am bad” and guilt is “I did bad.” Make sense? When you experience shame, you then feel ashamed about yourself and your existence.
Often we receive these messages as young children from our caregivers and or parental figures in our life. When there is a strong reaction from someone for something we did, depending on the type of response, we might feel guilt-ridden or ashamed for what we did. When left unaddressed, shame can then to life-long patterns where we experience shame more frequently and more across the board. Shame then leads to negative beliefs about ourselves such as “I am bad,” “I am a burden,” or “I am a failure.” As a result of these mistaken negative beliefs about ourselves, we try to do everything in our power to not feel shame, which you guessed it, will often look like striving for perfection. By trying to do things perfectly, our mind believes that is how we can prevent experiencing any shame.
Perfectionism is there as a coping/defense mechanism to protect ourselves from experiencing any ridicule, criticism, shame, or rejection. Shame tends to feed perfectionistic tendencies. For as long as we carry negative beliefs about ourselves, we will continue to strive for perfection in an attempt to avoid emotional pain. You might wonder, is there anything that can be done about this? Of course! Evidence-based therapy such as Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), and Eye-Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) can help us address those negative core beliefs about ourselves and work through them. By addressing those unhelpful/mistaken beliefs about ourselves, we can then better let go of perfectionism. We’ll no longer have to rely on trying to be “perfect” to survive. You can learn to see yourself in a more positive light, and once you do, the need to be “perfect” will fade. Now doesn’t that sound nice? :)
If this post resonates with you and you are interested in exploring perfectionism and/or to see if we’re a good fit to work together, please reach out via my contact form on my website. I’m also always happy to provide referrals in the communities of Los Angeles and Orange County, California.
Cheers,
Dr. Jessica
