Why Self-Compassion Can Be Hard for a Perfectionist
Perfectionists are often very good at criticizing themselves for just about anything (i.e. making a mistake, “offending” someone, not meeting their and/or others’ standards, etc.) We emphasize the importance of self-care and self-compassion, but that can be hard to do as a perfectionist. We’re great at giving others care and compassion yet can’t apply it to ourselves the same way. Why’s that?
Perfectionists function off the belief of being “not good enough.” No matter what we do or don’t do, we never seem to meet our expectations for ourselves. Nothing feels good enough. That A- grade you got? The promotion? The second place award? In the eyes of perfectionists, all of these are failures if you’re not the best. Because there’s always more to achieve. So how can we be compassionate to ourselves when we feel like what we’re doing is not enough? In a way, we think we don’t deserve self-compassion. And it’s hard to break that pattern of thinking when you believe you’re not worthy of compassion.
Furthermore, perfectionists believe they need to be tough on themselves in order to achieve. They believe if they go easy or “soft” on themselves, they’ll never be able to achieve what they want to. They fear they will lost control and lose motivation to accomplish their goals. But that’s simply not the case, and the perfectionist will have a hard time believing otherwise. Perfectionists function off of the belief of not being good enough and also fear not being good enough. Self-compassion, therefore, is a challenge for perfectionists due to a need to be the best, and there’s little to no room for mistakes in the pursuit of excellence.
Beneath perfectionism is the need and longing to be loved and accepted. Some of us have experiences with conditional love where our worth is based on achievements. Therefore, in order to feel loved and acknowledged, perfectionists keep achieving. Perfectionists will have a hard time letting go of this need to achieve in case it might mean they won’t be loved or accepted, and the thought of this can be feel very scary.
How to break this pattern
First and foremost, one needs to learn that they are worthy of love and admiration regardless of what they do or don’t do. Each living being are meant to be loved. You might have a hard time believing this at this moment, but it’s true. Think of your special pets if you have one. What makes them so lovable? Do they do anything special or are they just being themselves? How about newborn babies? How are they so lovable? They’re just being themselves and are showered with love. That’s what you need to be doing for yourself on a daily basis: Remind yourself of your worth regardless of what you’re doing or not doing. Your existence (just like your pup’s or that of a newborn baby’s) is enough.
Seer it into your mind the following words: “I am enough” or “who I am is enough.” If you find it hard to believe that, it’s ok. You will get there one day, and the journey of getting there (the journey to self-acceptance, that is) is well worth it.
Note: If you’re interested in learning more about self-compassion and how to practice it, you may find the following book beneficial: Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself.
For more information on how to let go of the perfectionism, the following resource may be helpful: Better than Perfect: 7 Strategies to Crush Your Inner Critic and Create a Life you Love.
If this post resonates with you and you are interested in exploring perfectionism and/or to see if we’re a good fit to work together, please reach out via my contact form on my website. I’m also always happy to provide referrals in the communities of Los Angeles and Orange County, California.
Cheers,
Dr. Jessica
